The Compressed Twelfth Night
by Brynhild GoUrL
Summary: Blame Oni Hime for inspiring me. Viola gets shipwrecked, disguised, and creates a violent love triangle before revealing her true self and finding her twin brother. It's a great plotline, made even more brilliant by my biting wit. Cough cough.
1. Viola loves Orsino who loves Olivia who ...

Act 1: Viola loves Orsino who loves Olivia who loves Cesario who is really Viola in disguise.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
~~~~~  
A1Sc1  
~~~~~  
  
Orsino: I love Olivia. I wonder is she loves me.  
  
Valentine: Her brother's dead and she misses him.  
  
Orsino: Leave me alone. I want to dream about sleeping with Olivia.  
  
Valentine: Okay ::leaves::  
  
~~~~~  
A1Sc2  
~~~~~  
  
Viola: I'm drenched and my mouth tastes salty. What happened?  
  
Sea Captain: We were shipwrecked and now we're in Ilyria. By the way, your brother's dead.  
  
Viola: I miss him  
  
Sea Captain: Then again, maybe he's not dead.  
  
Viola: I hope not. Who rules here?  
  
Sea Captain: Duke Orsino. But he's in love with Olivia.  
  
Viola: Maybe if I pretend to be a guy named Cesario, he'll offer me a job.  
  
Sea Captain: I'll help you.  
  
~~~~~  
A1Sc3  
~~~~~  
  
Toby Belch: I'm drunk and I like to drink.  
  
Maria: I wish you wouldn't drink.   
  
Toby: I think Andrew is a fine chap.  
  
Maria: I don't.  
  
::enter Andrew::  
  
Andrew: Hello.  
  
Maria: I don't like you but I'll flirt with you.  
  
Andrew: I don't know how to flirt.  
  
Maria: Darn. I'm leaving. ::leaves::  
  
Toby: You look sad.  
  
Andrew: I want to marry Olivia and I can't speak French.  
  
Toby: Can you dance?  
  
Andrew: Yes.  
  
Toby: Let's crash a party and dance.  
  
~~~~~  
A1Sc4  
~~~~~  
  
Valentine: The Duke likes you.  
  
Viola: Yay!  
  
::enter Duke, exit Valentine::  
  
Duke: Go to Olivia and tell her I love her.  
  
Viola: But she'll ignore me.  
  
Duke: No she won't. You look like a girl.  
  
Viola: *blushes*  
  
Duke: Go. ::exits::  
  
Viola: I want to marry the Duke but I'm too much of a wuss to let him know I'm a girl, so I'll try to get Olivia to fall in love with him.  
  
~~~~~  
A1Sc5  
~~~~~  
  
Maria: Where have you been?  
  
Feste: I don't want to tell you, so I'll distract you with my foolery.  
  
Maria: I know what you're talking about. Here comes Olivia. ::leaves::  
  
::enter Olivia and Malvolio::  
  
Olivia: Take the fool away.  
  
Feste: I'm going to pretend I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
Olivia: What?  
  
Feste: Now I'm going to insult your dead brother's memory and make you feel embarrassed by mourning for him.  
  
Olivia: Hee hee. You're funny. What do you think Malvolio?  
  
Malvolio: I don't like you so I'll say a thinly veiled insult.  
  
Feste: I don't like you either, so here's another thinly veiled insult.  
  
Olivia: This is better than Jerry Springer.  
  
Malvolio: Here's another insult.  
  
Olivia: Now that's going too far, Mal. I like Feste more than I like you.  
  
Feste: I like you too, Olivia.  
  
::enter Maria::  
  
Maria: The doorbell rang. Toby answered it.  
  
Olivia: I'm mad at Toby. ::Maria leaves:: Malvolio, make sure that whoever is there leaves. ::exit Malvolio:: I like you Feste.  
  
Feste: I like you too, Olivia. Here comes Toby. ::enter Toby::  
  
Olivia: Who rang the doorbell?  
  
Toby: I'm to drunk to care. ::leaves::  
  
Olivia: Go after him. Make sure he sobers up. ::Feste leaves, Malvolio enters::  
  
Malvolio: A young man from Orsino wants to speak to you.  
  
Olivia: I don't want to talk to him.  
  
Malvolio: He won't leave.  
  
Olivia: Okay, I'll talk to him. ::exit Malvolio, enter Maria::  
  
Olivia: Help me put on my veil.  
  
Maria: Okay   
  
::enter Viola::  
  
Viola: Which one of you is Olivia?  
  
Olivia: I won't tell you. What's your message.  
  
Viola: Tell me which one of you is Olivia and I'll tell you my message.  
  
Olivia: Fine. I'm Olivia  
  
Viola: Let me tell you how beautiful you are for an hour, then I'll tell you the rest of the message.  
  
Olivia: I don't want to hear it.  
  
Viola: But it's poetic and I spent time memorizing it.  
  
Olivia: I don't care. Keep your message short and sweet, or leave.  
  
Maria: Will you leave?  
  
Viola: No. I would much rather argue with Olivia.  
  
Olivia: You still haven't told me your message. I think you're rude.  
  
Viola: I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.  
  
Olivia: Huh?  
  
Viola: Nevermind. Let me be alone with you and I'll tell you my message.  
  
::Maria leaves::  
  
Olivia: What is your message?  
  
Viola: Orsino loves you.  
  
Olivia: That's it?  
  
Viola: Take off your veil.  
  
Olivia: No.  
  
Viola: Please?  
  
Olivia: Okay. ::takes off veil:: Tell me I'm pretty.  
  
Viola: You're pretty.  
  
Olivia: Thanks.  
  
Viola: Stop mocking me. I'm jealous that Orsino loves you.  
  
Olivia: Orsino loves me?  
  
Viola: Duh, yeah.  
  
Olivia: I don't love him.  
  
Viola: Why not?  
  
Olivia: I'm not going to tell you. Tell Orsino I don't love him. Here's money.  
  
Viola: Even though I'm poor I'm going to decline your money, because I'm still mad that the man I love loves you. C-ya.  
  
Olivia: Bye. ::exit Viola:: That boy is rather young, but I think I love him. Malvolio?  
  
::enter Malvolio::  
  
Malvolio: Yes?  
  
Olivia: ::secretly takes ring off finger:: Run after that boy and give him this ring.  
  
Malvolio: Okay ::leaves::  



	2. Everybody talks and sings.

  
Act 2: Everybody talks and sings.  
  
  
~~~~~  
A2Sc1  
~~~~~  
  
Sebastian: I'm leaving.  
  
Antionio: Why?  
  
Sebastian: I'm depressed.  
  
Antonio: Where are you going?  
  
Sebastian: I don't know. Remember when you saved me from drowning after the shipwreck?  
  
Antonio: Yeah?  
  
Sebastian: My twin sister was on the boat too. I am such a male chauvinist that I don't think there's any possibility that she was able to save herself. I'm not even going to hope.  
  
Antonio: That's a sad story.  
  
Sebastian: I miss my sister. She was pretty.  
  
Antonio: Let me be your servant.  
  
Sebastian: Kill me.  
  
Antonio: No.  
  
Sebastian: Then no. Goodbye. I'm going to Orsino's. ::leaves::  
  
Antonio: If I follow you then Orsino will throw me in jail. Then again, who cares? ::follows Sebastian::  
  
~~~~~  
A2Sc2  
~~~~~  
  
Malvolio: Hey you!  
  
Viola: Me?  
  
Malvolio: Yeah, you. Here's a ring from Olivia. ::leaves::  
  
Viola: Why would Olivia give me a ring? I know! She loves me! Man, am I smart.  
  
~~~~~  
A2Sc3  
~~~~~  
  
Toby: I'm drunk.  
  
Andrew: Me too. Here comes Feste.  
  
::enter Feste::  
  
Feste: You guys are drunk. I'm going to make fun of everybody.  
  
Toby and Andrew: Sing for us.  
  
Feste: Okay. ::sings a love song::  
  
Toby: Who wants to make lots of noise even though it's in the middle of the night?  
  
Feste and Andrew: We do! ::make lots of noise::  
  
::enter Maria::  
  
Maria: SHUT UP!  
  
Feste and Andrew: Okay.  
  
Toby: No! I live here, I'm going to make as much noise as I want! ::makes lots of noise::  
  
::enter Malvolio::  
  
Malvolio: SHUT UP!   
  
Toby: No.  
  
Malvolio: If you don't shut up, Olivia will throw you out.  
  
Toby: Like I'm scared of her. I'll prove just how non-afraid I am by singing with Feste ::singing::  
  
Malvolio: I'm leaving. ::exit Malvolio and Feste::  
  
Andrew: I hate him.  
  
Toby: Me too.  
  
Maria: I have a plan to make a fool of him.  
  
Toby and Andrew: Tell us.  
  
Maria: I'll drop a love letter and Malvolio will think that it's from Olivia to him.  
  
Toby and Andrew : Good plan.  
  
Maria: Good. I'm going to bed. ::leaves::  
  
Toby: Lets go find a party and drink somemore.  
  
Andrew: Cool.  
  
~~~~~  
A2Sc4  
~~~~~  
  
Orsino: I want to listen to Feste sing.  
  
Curio: I'll go find him.  
  
Orsino: Look at me Cesario. I'm in love with Olivia. Don't I look like a man in love?  
  
Viola: Yes, lord.  
  
Orsino: I think you look like you're in love. Are you?  
  
Viola: Yes, lord.  
  
Orsino: What's she like?  
  
Viola: I'm in love with you but I'm too much of a wuss to tell you so I'll just keep saying that the person I love is very similar to you.  
  
Orsino: You shouldn't love a woman who's so old and who looks like a guy. Men are the better lovers, therefore it is our duty to marry a young girl so that we can have her as many times as we want while she's still young and pretty. You don't want to marry a woman too old, or else you'll be stuck having to sleep with an old hag unless you're rich enough to take on a younger mistress.  
  
Viola: I have so little self-esteem now that I'm going to agree with whatever you say.  
  
::enter Feste::  
  
Feste: You called?  
  
Orsino: Play me a song.  
  
Feste: Ooo! Can I play the new N*Sync one?  
  
Orsino: No. I want to hear an old and plain song. The spinsters and the knitters in the sun, and the free maids that weave their thread with bones, did use to chant it.  
  
Feste: Oh, alright. ::sings::  
  
Orsino: Thank you. Leave.  
  
Feste: Okay ::leaves::  
  
Orsino: Go to Olivia and tell her I love her.  
  
Viola: She doesn't love you. What if there was a woman who loves you as much as you love Olivia? Hypothetically, of course…it's just 'what if'…  
  
Orsino: Women are weak. No woman could love as stong as I love.  
  
Viola: I think you're a chauvinistic pig, and will now tell you a story about myself in the third person and trying to subltly tell you how much I love you, but you're to self-absorbed to realize it.  
  
Orsino: I don't know why you're telling me this story. I love Olivia.  
  
Viola: Fine, I'll tell her.  
  
~~~~~  
A2Sc5  
~~~~~  
  
Toby: Lets put Maria's plan into action.  
  
Fabian: I'm in.  
  
Andrew: Me too.  
  
::enter Maria::  
  
Maria: Here comes Malvolio. Let's hide and see how he reacts. ::they hide, enter Malvolio::  
  
Malvolio: Oh, here's a letter. What? I'm assuming that Olivia loves me and by reading inbetween the lines, she's telling me to wear yellow socks and be cross-gartered. Yay! I'm going to go change my socks! ::leave::  
  
Toby: That was fun.  
  
Maria: Lets follow him.  
  
Toby and Andrew: Okay.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I've got to go to work. I'll add the rest later. Let me know if you like it. 


	3. Love and War

Act three: Love and War  
  
  
~~~~~  
A3Sc1  
~~~~~  
  
Feste: I don't like words.  
  
Viola: Tell Olivia that I'm here.  
  
Feste: Whatever. ::leaves::  
  
Viola: That fool is smart.  
  
::enter Olivia::  
  
Viola: Orsino loves you.  
  
Olivia: Didn't you already tell me that several times?  
  
Viola: I'm here to tell you again.  
  
Olivia: Go away.  
  
::Viola starts to leave::  
  
Olivia: Stay. I love you.  
  
Viola: No you don't.  
  
Olivia: Yes, I do.  
  
Viola: I'm leaving. ::leaves::  
  
Olivia: Come back soon!  
  
~~~~~  
A3Sc2  
~~~~~  
  
Andrew: I'm leaving.  
  
Toby: Why?  
  
Andrew: Olivia loves Cesario more than me.  
  
Toby: Why don't you challenge him to a duel?  
  
Andrew: Okay. I'll go write the challenge. ::leaves::  
  
Toby: Half-wit.  
  
Fabian: I agree.  
  
::Maria enters::  
  
Maria: Let's go see Malvolio! He's in yellow socks and cross gartered!  
  
Fabian and Toby: Okay.  
  
~~~~~  
A3Sc3  
~~~~~  
  
Sebastian: Since you're here, I can't tell you to get lost.  
  
Antonio: I wanted to be with you.  
  
Sebastian: Thank you.  
  
Antonio: Take my purse and spend my money. I'll see you at the inn.  
  
Sebastian: Okay. Bye.  
  
~~~~~  
A3Sc4  
~~~~~  
  
Olivia: Cesario is coming later. Where's Malvolio?  
  
Maria: He's coming, but he's crazy.  
  
Olivia: Thanks for the warning.  
  
::enter Malvolio::  
  
Malvolio: What beautiful eyes you have...  
  
Olivia: Uh...thank you...I guess...  
  
Malvolio: What a beautiful body you have...  
  
Olivia: Huh? Are you okay, Mal?  
  
Malvolio: I'm yellow socked and cross-gartered.  
  
Olivia: That's nice for you.  
  
Maria: Cesario's here.  
  
Olivia: That's my cue. Bye ya'll. ::leaves::  
  
Malvolio: Olivia loves me.  
  
::enter Toby and Fabian::  
  
Toby: You're possesed, man.  
  
Maria: You're bewitched.  
  
Malvolio: Am not. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go obsess about Olivia. ::leaves::  
  
Toby: let's throw him into jail later.  
  
Maria: Okay.  
  
::enter Andrew::  
  
Andrew: I finished the letter.  
  
Toby: I'll give it to him. Go outside and get ready.  
  
Andrew: Okay. ::leaves::  
  
Fabian: Half-wit.  
  
Toby: I agree.  
  
Maria: Here comes Olivia and Cesario. Let's hide.  
  
::they hide, enter Olivia and Viola::  
  
Olivia: I know you don't love me, but I love you.  
  
Viola: Orsino loves you.  
  
Olivia: I don't love him.  
  
Viola: I'm glad we got that clear.  
  
Olivia: I've got to go. ::leaves::  
  
::enter Toby and Fabian::  
  
Toby: Somebody wants to kill you.  
  
Viola: I don't want to fight.  
  
Toby: Too bad. I'll go see if the other guy's ready  
  
::enter Andrew::  
  
Toby: Are you ready? I hear Cesario's scary.  
  
Andrew: He's scary? I don't want to fight!  
  
Toby: Too bad, he's ready to fight.  
  
::Andrew and Viola get ready to fight, Antonio busts into the scene::  
  
Antonio: Stop fighting.   
  
Toby: You ruined it! I'm going to get you! ::they fight, enter officers::  
  
Officers: There you are Antonio. Come with us.  
  
Antonio: Some help, please?  
  
Viola: What?  
  
Officers: Come now.   
  
Antonio: I'll get you for this, Sebastian!  
  
::Officers leave, dragging Antonio with them::  
  
Viola: He called me Sebastian! Maybe he knows my brother. ::exit::  
  
Andrew: Come back here and let me beat you! ::exit::  
  
Toby: Let's go see what happens.  
  
::Toby and Fabian leave::  



	4. Everybody fights and thinks that Sebasti...

  
Howdy everybody!  
  
I'm back with the second-to-last act of the play! I'm sorry that I never got this up sooner, I caught a major case of the dreaded writer's block, and just now finished it. I hope ya'll like! Anywhoo, I won't bore you with anymore talk from me. The show must go on!  
  
  
Act 4: Everybody fights and thinks that Sebastian is Cesario  
  
~~~~~  
A4Sc1  
~~~~~  
  
Sebastian: Stop following me! I've never seen you before in my life!  
  
Feste: *sarcastic* Oh, okay. I don't know you. I wasn't sent to bring you to Olivia. You aren't Cesario even though you're identical to him, and this thing on my face isn't my nose. Yeah, right.  
  
Sebastian: I'll give you money if you'll leave me alone.  
  
::enter Andrew::  
  
Sebastian: Hello. Who are you?  
  
Andrew: We meet again, Cesario. I will show my aggression towards you by poking you aggressivly.  
  
Sebastian: I hate poking! You are going DOWN!!!! *beats Andrew to a pulp*  
  
Feste: I'm going to squeal on your fight to Olivia.  
  
::exit Feste, enter Toby::  
  
Toby: Stop beating him up.  
  
Sebastian: No and you can't make me.  
  
Andrew: Ow! Stop it! I'm gonna sue you!  
  
Toby: I am forced to duel with you.  
  
Sebastian: Fine with me.  
  
::enter Olivia::  
  
Olivia: How dare you duel with my true love! As soon as I take Cesario's sword, You are going DOWN!!!  
  
::Olivia takes Sebastian's sword and beats Toby to a pulp::  
  
Olivia: Now, take your sorry carcass and get out of my sight!  
  
::exit Toby and Andrew::  
  
Olivia: I'm so sorry, Cesario. Those two can be jerks sometimes. Please don't let their rude behavior make you leave. I love you too much to see you go.  
  
Sebastian: *dazed* What's going on? People are picking fights with me and now this beautiful woman is confessing her love for me. I must be crazy, or maybe I'm dreaming!  
  
Olivia: Well? Do you wanna come in my house and make-out passionatly?  
  
Sebastian: *shrugs* Sure.  
  
Olivia: Yay!  
  
~~~~~  
A4Sc2  
~~~~~  
  
Maria: Lets mess with Malvolio's head again. I do so love to torment him! Why don't you pretend to be Topas the priest? I'll go get Toby.  
  
::exit Maria::  
  
Feste: Okay.  
  
::enter Maria and Toby::  
  
Toby: Nice costume, Topas.  
  
Feste: Thanks.  
  
::Feste goes to the jail cell::  
  
Feste: Knock knock.  
  
Malvolio: Who's there?  
  
Feste: Sir Topas the priest.  
  
Malvolio: Sir Topas the priest who?  
  
Feste: Look, I've come to talk to you so stop playing that ridiculous game.  
  
Malvolio: Oh, sorry. I thought you were telling me a knock-knock joke.  
  
Feste: Well, I wasn't.  
  
Malvolio: Please get me a pen and paper and send a letter for me.  
  
Feste: Only crazy people get thrown in jail, so you must be crazy.  
  
Malvolio: I'm not crazy!  
  
Feste: I will test you by asking this very obtuse question.  
  
Malvolio: I will prove my sane-ness by answering your question.  
  
Feste: Ha! Wrong answer! You are crazy! I'm leaving.  
  
Malvolio: No! Wait! Don't go!  
  
Feste: Bye.  
  
::Feste leaves jail::  
  
Toby: Good job, Topas.  
  
Maria: He didn't even know it was you!  
  
Feste: I told you two I was a good actor.  
  
Toby: I'm tired of messing with Malvolio. I'm afraid we'll get caught. Why don't you go and see if he can be convinced he's sane, while Maria and I leave?  
  
Feste: Okay.  
  
::exit Toby and Maria::  
  
::Feste goes to the jail::  
  
Feste: Anybody home?  
  
Malvolio: Oh, hello Feste.  
  
Feste: What, no knock-knock joke?  
  
Malvolio: Sir Topas didn't like it.  
  
Feste: Here comes Topas.  
  
Feste: What are you doing near that crazy man, young fool?  
  
Feste: Nothing Sir Topas. We're just talking.  
  
Feste: See to it that you don't grow as crazy as he.  
  
Feste: I will, Sir Topas. I will.  
  
Malvolio: I'm not crazy, Sir Topas!  
  
Feste: Thank you for your advice, Sir Topas.  
  
Feste: You're welcome, my boy. Goodbye.  
  
Feste: Goodbye, Sir Topas. ::fakes leaving::  
  
Malvolio: Sir Topas! I'm not crazy! Fool?  
  
Feste: I'm still here.  
  
Malvolio: Bring me a pen and paper and send a letter for me?  
  
Feste: I will. I'll be back soon. ::exits::  
  
Malvolio: Thank you, fool.  
  
~~~~~  
A4Sc3  
~~~~~  
  
::enter Sebastian, dishevled with clothing astray::  
  
Sebastian: This is air and that's the sun! I'm happy but I'm not crazy! At least... I don't think I'm crazy... Where in Antonio? I wish I could talk to him now. Maybe Olivia is crazy. Maybe everybody's crazy!  
  
::enter Olivia::  
  
Olivia: There you are! Do you wanna elope secretly?  
  
Sebastian: *shrugs* The make-out session was pretty good. Why not?  
  
Olivia: Yay! I'm getting married!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well? What didja think? I've started college now, so I don't know when I'll get the last act written out, but hopefully you won't have to wait as long for it. Till the next act, Peace and Serenity!  
  
Love to all,  
Bryn  
Goddess of Unrequited Love 


End file.
